Lately I have been living by the quote “A day will never be any more than what you make of it.”

I decided if I can’t have a great day, I’m going to make my own and I have. The past few months have been awesome. Smiling more, laughing more, and being my funny old self more! However, when I am alone, mostly at night laying in bed, a smile isn’t so easy to come by. I’m not saying I’m putting on a mask to hide my sadness during the day, but the night is when I do most of my thinking. What do I think about? My day, funny memories, my family, my life, and recently how I am still having the same stupid problem…finding the right guy.

I really am over this whole ‘be young and have fun, party when you can, see lots of people’ thing. I want to have someone for me. Don’t get me wrong! I love to have fun and go out. I just wish I had someone, like I said, for me.  Sorry if this is repeating-my-past-blogs-ish. Guys suck. They are there one minute and gone the next. Getting one to stick around is a rarity in my life.

My sister tells me “they will realize what they’ve lost and wish they had held on” and maybe she’s right. I just want them to realize what they will have, what they CAN have, what they have when they are with me.

Having them come and go not only hurts but it makes me more skeptical with who I start wanting to be with. I wait to long and they lose interest or they get the wrong impression and think I don’t have the same feelings for them. It always seems once they are gone, I’m ready to be with them. Maybe it’s me. I don’t know.

Needless to say, I think if you took a picture of my heart you’d see a lot of staples and duct tape. It’s not like I’m forcing them to marry me! I just want to spend some of my life with one person! Not Mr. Right, just Mr. Right Now.

Here’s to hoping some day soon someone will stick around for a bit!

So Cal Love,

California Girl <3

For starters:

Last Christmas was my first Christmas without my family. I was devastated that I was unable to go back to Kansas to spend my favorite family holiday with my family. However, I made it through with the help of my awesome roommates and my mom’s side. Just was not the same!

BIGGEST NEWS OF ALLLLLLLL!!!

Someone made it out of the teen years! ALIVE AND WELL!!! Yes yes. I finally turned 20. Annnnnd start the excruciatingly long countdown to 21! (10 months, 12 days, 7 hours, and 38 minutes) I spent my 20th birthday in Vegas with my ladies Kait, Grace, and Lexy! Or as we like to call it Kesleigh’s Epic Birthday Extravaganza! SO much happened it’s unbelievable! AH!

I know what you’re thinking…Why Vegas? You’re only turning 20. You can’t do anything! To that I say HA! There is PUH-LENTY to do while young and beautiful in Vegas. Leave it to us 4 girls to find it too! Can’t go into too much detail as to what exactly we did, because as you all know “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” By the way, that saying is completely true.

There are plenty more of eventful events from the past 8 months, but I thought I’d stick with the bigger more interesting stuff. More posts to come!

So Cal Love,

California Girl

…or should I say HAPPY GOOD JOB GETTING THROUGH THE ROUGH FIRST YEAR!

It has been a whole year since my family moved to Kansas. I’ve lived on my own for a year! CRAZY! It does not seem like a year.

I love living out here unsupervised but there is one point in everyday that I miss my family.

I feel like I am missing so much in my little brother and sisters life!

In the past year not only have they GROWN A LOT, but they are doing so many new things that I never would have guess they would do.

My sister just finished 3rd grade and joined a twirling team. Her team won first place (I think?) at a big competition! I was so proud when I watched the videos!

My brother finished 1st grade, played soccer, and basketball (made a dunk!). If you know my brother you would not expect him to play any type of sports. The thing I missed that hurts the most is that he lost his first tooth. I cried when I found out and wasn’t there to see it.

My oldest cousin is about to have his first child which I will also miss.

It is so hard being away from them. My family is a huge part of my life. Always has been and always will be.

So Cal Love,

California Girl <3

June:

My sister Kaitlin and I took our first ever unsupervised vacation! Just the two of us in Vegas. It was absolutely amazing!! Lounging by the pool all day. Walking by the strip at night! It was so nice to get away and do what we what. I definitely can’t wait to go back! we were only back for two weeks before we started planning our next to trips out there! HAHA!

July:

July has actually been pretty slow. My family was out for two weeks last week. I had a blast seeing my little brother and sister. We took them to Legoland one day and the beach another. There is nothing like much-needed family time. It had been 7 months since the last time I saw them!

Oh and I can’t forget the DRAMA! Almost quitting my job twice in one month should be a sign but I keep sticking around. All my friends getting boyfriends/girlfriends. Getting played by yet ANOTHER guy. I’m so sick of dating.

Ok so I shouldn’t say the living’s easy because in the past month I have thought about going to the psychiatrist many times but for the most part is summer has been FANTABULOUS (if I’m allowed to make up my own word )

Stay tuned for some more updates

So Cal Love,

California Girl <3

So its been a while but we’re going to catch you up. Starting with my AMAZING trip to VEGAS!!!

There is truly nothing better than spending time with friends on vacation. I don’t know what Vegas would have been like without @26promo or @joebravo84. I think its safe to say we all had a blast!!!

Lounging by the pool with my beautiful sister by day and cruising the city by night. So much to do in so little time. Guess we just have just have to make multiple trips haha

So Cal love,

California Girl <3

They say “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”

Well screw life! Give me lemons and grab a shield because they are coming right back at you at lightening speed.

Life, if having 3 guys screw me over in the last 8 months your idea of “lemons”, well bucko think again.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am having an awesome time. 19 is GREAT but there are days and days and D A Y S that I just wish I could press fast forward to when I’m 30 ( I hear those are the days), married, and living life. It just doesn’t work that way huh?

The one thing being 18 and 19 has shown me is that time literally FLIES by! I can’t waste my years just watching life go by!

So life, I will take my lemons but there will be no lemonade in this babes life. No no, I am going to make lemon bars and live the sweet (pun intended) life of being 19 flippin’ years old!

I just have one thing to say to you life:

Sit back, buckle up, and hold on tight. You are about to enjoy your own dose of lemons.

So Cal Love,

California Girls <3

Let’s explore the basic types of break-ups:

• Harsh break-up: This probably happened because something big and huge went down. For Example, cheating, fighting, or actions.
• “no more feelings” break-up: One side just doesn’t have the feelings anymore and needs to see other people. It should only be hard to be “just friends” for the other side.
• Casual “let’s just be friends” break-up: somehow you both decide to be friends.

I’m going to be focusing on the last one.

When you share something as close as a relationship how do you know how to act around them after breaking up? You will still want to walk up to them in a crowd and grab their hand, kiss their cheek, wrap your arms around them, etc. Dating someone breaks down any and all boundaries that two people have.  I definitely wouldn’t go up to my best friend and kiss him or hold his hand because those are friend boundaries.

After your first kiss there is no boundary line. You kiss all the time.

After you have sex there is no boundary line. You can’t go back to just kissing, just holding hands, and DEFINITELY just being friends. You will always have that sexual connection.

So how can you see the person you just dissolved boundary lines with and not have the urge to be more than just friends? It’s definitely tough because you are so used to having no boundaries that you can’t get used to not kissing someone hello/goodbye. When both sides are having a hard time with building the boundary walls back up its easy to slip up. You could be testing the “just friends” relationship by hanging out be totally cool and one person makes a move. You now have to start all over. Like an earthquake came rolling through ruining all your construction. If you want to be just friends it would just be easier to not start dating at all.

To date or not to date, that should be the question.

So Cal love,

California Girl <3

One of my best girlfriends is Kaitlin. I call her my sister because we are so close we might as well be sisters. Everyone that knows me, knows her and vise versa. We are pretty much a package deal. 2 for 1 and everyone knows that if you invite one, you invite both. If one of us doesn’t show up to an event where our friends are there the other is always asked “Where is your sister?.”

We even go through the same problems almost always at the same time. Talk about cycles being crossed! Like the past month with my break up…she had just found this incredible guy, who she thought was someone she could spend a long time with if not the rest of her life. What does the douche bag do? Yep! Exactly the same thing the B did to me. Dropped her like she was made of plush. NEWS FLASH BOYS! Girls are not made of plush fuzzy goodness. We’re made of glass! At least in our teen years. Dudes! I mean seriously? How do you just stop talking to someone? I don’t think I have ever picked up my phone, saw who the text was from and thought to myself “hmm, I don’t really like them anymore so I’m just not going to text back” or “I’m scared to get close to him because he might be like the last guy and break my heart, so I will just not text back.” It just doesn’t work like that!

Sorry, went off on a tangent there. I guess there’s still some hard feelings. =]

Anyways, girlfriends always know just what to do to make you feel better.

I would do anything in the world for mine. I’ll be there for them through thick n thin, douche bags n lovers, plushy goodness n glass. No matter the case and I know they will be there for me.

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your girlfriends like family.

So Cal Love,

California Girl <3

“You will find someone better.”

“This just means you were not meant to be.”

These are the words I was told over and over for the past week to make me feel better. When you are stuck on someone these are the last sentences you want to hear. Yet, these are the exact words that I am telling my best friend.  We say them because we know they are true. There are others out there.

Why am I not slapping myself in the face right now! I’m telling this to you and her and I’m living my life wishing I was with the guy I just lost. What a gigantic hypocrite. It’s hard to move on but easy to tell people to move on. I do know that there are other guys out there but until I find them I will be living my life as a hypocrite.

Honestly, what other words are there to tell someone who has lost someone they cared so much about? I would do anything to see her happy but since I can’t take a guy and make him love her this is about all I can do. She did this for me and I do this for her.

When your friend is down tell them it will be alright and remember to listen to your friends when they tell you the same thing. There are other fish in the sea.

So Cal love,

California Girl <3

My heart is in pieces.

• I left a piece with my mom back when I was five and moved in with my grandparents.
• Another piece with my grandparents when I moved in with my dad.
• One piece went to Kansas when my family left California.
• and I stupidly gave another piece to HIM (or as we are calling him “B”).

It feels like I have 4 holes in my chest. I am hanging onto the only piece left and I feel if I trust anyone enough to let them have it they’ll take it as far away from me as possible and leave me standing lifeless. As you have read previously I just went through one of the HARDEST break ups of my life with, as I mentioned above, B. So I really can’t give it away. Besides, I’m entitled to have a piece of my own heart. Right?

Today as I am sitting at my desk staring off to space I realize I can’t live without him. I need him in my life somehow.

If you take all the parts, mine, my mother’s, my grandparents’, and my family’s, that still leaves one part missing. HIS. Without him I am not whole. Why his part? He’s just a boy. Well I’ve dated a few boys since my parents left but I didn’t really put my heart into those relationships as I had with this last one. I didn’t have the feelings for them that I had for B.

This still doesn’t answer your question ‘why HIS part’. Again, take the other parts….

• My mother’s: She’s my mom. She won’t walk off with it and leave me without it.
• My grandparents’: Same thing their family and will always be in my life.
• My family’s: Also, Family. Not going anywhere.
• His: He is not connected to me at all besides our 5 day relationship/friendship. He could come and go as he pleases with it and when he does go he leaves me standing with a piece missing.

My family’s parts are mine just letting them borrow them. They fill me when I’m with them and only leave me empty in their absence. B’s part is his and he can either nurture it or crush it. So I really CAN’T live without him.

Also, today I think I realized that I might possibly love him. I know I know. YOU’RE 19 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LOVE. PSH YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! So I might or might not, but I know how I felt the day he broke it off. Laying in my bed, broken, incomplete, while life was going on around me. It’s definitely stronger than and “like/lust” I’ve been in before. I texted him today (for the first time since I gave him his jacket back) with intentions to keep him as a friend. My plan? Didn’t go as planned. started off friendly and turned to everything he said made my heart melt!

So love or strong lust, I need him in my life to make my heart whole.

I don’t know if he reads my blogs or not and that’s how I want to keep it. If he doesn’t read them fine. If he does great he knows how I feel. As long as I don’t know I can write freely which is exactly why I started a blog.

So Cal love,

California Girl <3