My heart

So it is kind of hard to describe a 19-year-old girls heart. A normal 19-year-old girl that is. My heart is DEFINITELY NOT normal.

My heart is in pieces.

  • I left a piece with my mom back when I was five and moved in with my grandparents.
  • Another piece with my grandparents when I moved in with my dad.
  • One piece went to Kansas when my family left California.
  • and I stupidly gave another piece to HIM (or as we are calling him “B”).

It feels like I have 4 holes in my chest. I am hanging onto the only piece left and I feel if I trust anyone enough to let them have it they’ll take it as far away from me as possible and leave me standing lifeless. As you have read previously I just went through one of the HARDEST break ups of my life with, as I mentioned above, B. So I really can’t give it away. Besides, I’m entitled to have a piece of my own heart. Right?

Today as I am sitting at my desk staring off to space I realize I can’t live without him. I need him in my life somehow.

If you take all the parts, mine, my mother’s, my grandparents’, and my family’s, that still leaves one part missing. HIS. Without him I am not whole. Why his part? He’s just a boy. Well I’ve dated a few boys since my parents left but I didn’t really put my heart into those relationships as I had with this last one. I didn’t have the feelings for them that I had for B.

This still doesn’t answer your question ‘why HIS part’. Again, take the other parts….

  • My mother’s: She’s my mom. She won’t walk off with it and leave me without it.
  • My grandparents’: Same thing their family and will always be in my life.
  • My family’s: Also, Family. Not going anywhere.
  • His: He is not connected to me at all besides our 5 day relationship/friendship. He could come and go as he pleases with it and when he does go he leaves me standing with a piece missing.

My family’s parts are mine just letting them borrow them. They fill me when I’m with them and only leave me empty in their absence. B’s part is his and he can either nurture it or crush it. So I really CAN’T live without him.

Also, today I think I realized that I might possibly love him. I know I know. YOU’RE 19 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LOVE. PSH YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! So I might or might not, but I know how I felt the day he broke it off. Laying in my bed, broken, incomplete, while life was going on around me. It’s definitely stronger than and “like/lust” I’ve been in before. I texted him today (for the first time since I gave him his jacket back) with intentions to keep him as a friend. My plan? Didn’t go as planned. started off friendly and turned to everything he said made my heart melt!

So love or strong lust, I need him in my life to make my heart whole.

I don’t know if he reads my blogs or not and that’s how I want to keep it. If he doesn’t read them fine. If he does great he knows how I feel. As long as I don’t know I can write freely which is exactly why I started a blog.

So Cal love,

California Girl ❤

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8 responses to “My heart

  1. well tht was amazing . I can relate to what you are saying but imagine thinking you had a perfect relation ship for almost 5 years and bam they just leave the next day saying lets thunk this over . Something we all as humans will have to live with.

  2. Hmmmm, read it all…here’s my take… .he’s scared. He took the time to develop the relationship, very unusual for a “young man”. As far as having a piece of your heart out there with someone besides family, that is always uncomfortable but sometimes you just can’t help leaving it out there. Right now you’re willing to let him keep the piece in the hope that he will snap to and get a clue…but I think he is feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of having that piece..he’s scared of giving up his own heart. So it’s ok, let the piece linger out there a bit, time truly does heal all…and with time you will come to realize that you do not want a piece of your heart out there with someone if they are unable to treasure it/you…and it is at that point that you will WANT to take it back….for now, let it ride and take it day by day.

  3. WOW,
    I’m sorry to hear about your relationship ending. That is a long time to be together. At lease she is realizing it now rather than farther down the road, but I’m sure it is still hard.

  4. D,
    Thank you so much. I never thought of it that way!

  5. Hey there! Thank you for sharing your emotions and “heart” with us. Have you ever read the “Comes the Dawn” poem . . . google it . . .it’s a must read for those who have been hurt or have had their hearts broken. It will lift you up and give you strength in a way. I used to keep it hanging in my dorm room in college for inspiration.

  6. lovee, i feel creepy reading your blog instead of talking to you but its kinda cool!!

    i had nooo idea you liked this guy this much.
    so heres my advice!
    because you feel such a deep connection to him, be extremely careful with your heart cause its vulnerable right now. being rejected is the worst feeling ever but if you continue to hang out with him thinking his feelings will change and they dont then its just gonna continue to hurt.

    but at the same time though i know its hard being away from someone you love and being around him makes you feel good, so why not keep doing it, right?

    soo if i were you i would keep being friends with him but not push it any further or expect anything more from him til he is ready.
    boys are still immature at our age and alot of them are afraid of commitment so that might be the case (as it was with jon!). but theres a huge possibility that he will come around and realize he feels the same way about you.

    either way, dont give up hope though cause im positive theres TONS of goregous men out there that would be want to date you and you never know where life will take you in the next couple years.

    and keep posting cause i like knowing what youre up to 🙂
    & i miss youu

  7. What an impressive young lady you are – your trials, however hurtful and unfair, are evolving you into a very beautiful person. You a rare example to many! 🙂

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