So it is kind of hard to describe a 19-year-old girls heart. A normal 19-year-old girl that is. My heart is DEFINITELY NOT normal.
My heart is in pieces.
- I left a piece with my mom back when I was five and moved in with my grandparents.
- Another piece with my grandparents when I moved in with my dad.
- One piece went to Kansas when my family left California.
- and I stupidly gave another piece to HIM (or as we are calling him “B”).
It feels like I have 4 holes in my chest. I am hanging onto the only piece left and I feel if I trust anyone enough to let them have it they’ll take it as far away from me as possible and leave me standing lifeless. As you have read previously I just went through one of the HARDEST break ups of my life with, as I mentioned above, B. So I really can’t give it away. Besides, I’m entitled to have a piece of my own heart. Right?
Today as I am sitting at my desk staring off to space I realize I can’t live without him. I need him in my life somehow.
If you take all the parts, mine, my mother’s, my grandparents’, and my family’s, that still leaves one part missing. HIS. Without him I am not whole. Why his part? He’s just a boy. Well I’ve dated a few boys since my parents left but I didn’t really put my heart into those relationships as I had with this last one. I didn’t have the feelings for them that I had for B.
This still doesn’t answer your question ‘why HIS part’. Again, take the other parts….
- My mother’s: She’s my mom. She won’t walk off with it and leave me without it.
- My grandparents’: Same thing their family and will always be in my life.
- My family’s: Also, Family. Not going anywhere.
- His: He is not connected to me at all besides our 5 day relationship/friendship. He could come and go as he pleases with it and when he does go he leaves me standing with a piece missing.
My family’s parts are mine just letting them borrow them. They fill me when I’m with them and only leave me empty in their absence. B’s part is his and he can either nurture it or crush it. So I really CAN’T live without him.
Also, today I think I realized that I might possibly love him. I know I know. YOU’RE 19 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LOVE. PSH YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! So I might or might not, but I know how I felt the day he broke it off. Laying in my bed, broken, incomplete, while life was going on around me. It’s definitely stronger than and “like/lust” I’ve been in before. I texted him today (for the first time since I gave him his jacket back) with intentions to keep him as a friend. My plan? Didn’t go as planned. started off friendly and turned to everything he said made my heart melt!
So love or strong lust, I need him in my life to make my heart whole.
I don’t know if he reads my blogs or not and that’s how I want to keep it. If he doesn’t read them fine. If he does great he knows how I feel. As long as I don’t know I can write freely which is exactly why I started a blog.
So Cal love,
California Girl ❤