Category Archives: dating

You’re Never Fully Dressed

In the words of Annie: You’re never fully dressed without a smile.

Lately I have been living by the quote “A day will never be any more than what you make of it.”

I decided if I can’t have a great day, I’m going to make my own and I have. The past few months have been awesome. Smiling more, laughing more, and being my funny old self more! However, when I am alone, mostly at night laying in bed, a smile isn’t so easy to come by. I’m not saying I’m putting on a mask to hide my sadness during the day, but the night is when I do most of my thinking. What do I think about? My day, funny memories, my family, my life, and recently how I am still having the same stupid problem…finding the right guy.

I really am over this whole ‘be young and have fun, party when you can, see lots of people’ thing. I want to have someone for me. Don’t get me wrong! I love to have fun and go out. I just wish I had someone, like I said, for me.  Sorry if this is repeating-my-past-blogs-ish. Guys suck. They are there one minute and gone the next. Getting one to stick around is a rarity in my life.

My sister tells me “they will realize what they’ve lost and wish they had held on” and maybe she’s right. I just want them to realize what they will have, what they CAN have, what they have when they are with me.

Having them come and go not only hurts but it makes me more skeptical with who I start wanting to be with. I wait to long and they lose interest or they get the wrong impression and think I don’t have the same feelings for them. It always seems once they are gone, I’m ready to be with them. Maybe it’s me. I don’t know.

Needless to say, I think if you took a picture of my heart you’d see a lot of staples and duct tape. It’s not like I’m forcing them to marry me! I just want to spend some of my life with one person! Not Mr. Right, just Mr. Right Now.

Here’s to hoping some day soon someone will stick around for a bit!

So Cal Love,

California Girl ❤

Just Friends?

Can two people ever really be JUST FRIENDS after being in a relationship?

Let’s explore the basic types of break-ups:

  • Harsh break-up: This probably happened because something big and huge went down. For Example, cheating, fighting, or actions.
  • “no more feelings” break-up: One side just doesn’t have the feelings anymore and needs to see other people. It should only be hard to be “just friends” for the other side.
  • Casual “let’s just be friends” break-up: somehow you both decide to be friends.

I’m going to be focusing on the last one.

When you share something as close as a relationship how do you know how to act around them after breaking up? You will still want to walk up to them in a crowd and grab their hand, kiss their cheek, wrap your arms around them, etc. Dating someone breaks down any and all boundaries that two people have.  I definitely wouldn’t go up to my best friend and kiss him or hold his hand because those are friend boundaries.

After your first kiss there is no boundary line. You kiss all the time.

After you have sex there is no boundary line. You can’t go back to just kissing, just holding hands, and DEFINITELY just being friends. You will always have that sexual connection.

So how can you see the person you just dissolved boundary lines with and not have the urge to be more than just friends? It’s definitely tough because you are so used to having no boundaries that you can’t get used to not kissing someone hello/goodbye. When both sides are having a hard time with building the boundary walls back up its easy to slip up. You could be testing the “just friends” relationship by hanging out be totally cool and one person makes a move. You now have to start all over. Like an earthquake came rolling through ruining all your construction. If you want to be just friends it would just be easier to not start dating at all.

To date or not to date, that should be the question.

So Cal love,

California Girl ❤

Telling is easy. Listening is hard.

Why is it that when your down in the dumps the words “it will get better” don’t seem to make sense, but they are the first words out of your mouth when a friend is hurt?

“You will find someone better.”

“This just means you were not meant to be.”

These are the words I was told over and over for the past week to make me feel better. When you are stuck on someone these are the last sentences you want to hear. Yet, these are the exact words that I am telling my best friend.  We say them because we know they are true. There are others out there.

Why am I not slapping myself in the face right now! I’m telling this to you and her and I’m living my life wishing I was with the guy I just lost. What a gigantic hypocrite. It’s hard to move on but easy to tell people to move on. I do know that there are other guys out there but until I find them I will be living my life as a hypocrite.

Honestly, what other words are there to tell someone who has lost someone they cared so much about? I would do anything to see her happy but since I can’t take a guy and make him love her this is about all I can do. She did this for me and I do this for her.

When your friend is down tell them it will be alright and remember to listen to your friends when they tell you the same thing. There are other fish in the sea.

So Cal love,

California Girl ❤

My heart

So it is kind of hard to describe a 19-year-old girls heart. A normal 19-year-old girl that is. My heart is DEFINITELY NOT normal.

My heart is in pieces.

  • I left a piece with my mom back when I was five and moved in with my grandparents.
  • Another piece with my grandparents when I moved in with my dad.
  • One piece went to Kansas when my family left California.
  • and I stupidly gave another piece to HIM (or as we are calling him “B”).

It feels like I have 4 holes in my chest. I am hanging onto the only piece left and I feel if I trust anyone enough to let them have it they’ll take it as far away from me as possible and leave me standing lifeless. As you have read previously I just went through one of the HARDEST break ups of my life with, as I mentioned above, B. So I really can’t give it away. Besides, I’m entitled to have a piece of my own heart. Right?

Today as I am sitting at my desk staring off to space I realize I can’t live without him. I need him in my life somehow.

If you take all the parts, mine, my mother’s, my grandparents’, and my family’s, that still leaves one part missing. HIS. Without him I am not whole. Why his part? He’s just a boy. Well I’ve dated a few boys since my parents left but I didn’t really put my heart into those relationships as I had with this last one. I didn’t have the feelings for them that I had for B.

This still doesn’t answer your question ‘why HIS part’. Again, take the other parts….

  • My mother’s: She’s my mom. She won’t walk off with it and leave me without it.
  • My grandparents’: Same thing their family and will always be in my life.
  • My family’s: Also, Family. Not going anywhere.
  • His: He is not connected to me at all besides our 5 day relationship/friendship. He could come and go as he pleases with it and when he does go he leaves me standing with a piece missing.

My family’s parts are mine just letting them borrow them. They fill me when I’m with them and only leave me empty in their absence. B’s part is his and he can either nurture it or crush it. So I really CAN’T live without him.

Also, today I think I realized that I might possibly love him. I know I know. YOU’RE 19 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LOVE. PSH YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! So I might or might not, but I know how I felt the day he broke it off. Laying in my bed, broken, incomplete, while life was going on around me. It’s definitely stronger than and “like/lust” I’ve been in before. I texted him today (for the first time since I gave him his jacket back) with intentions to keep him as a friend. My plan? Didn’t go as planned. started off friendly and turned to everything he said made my heart melt!

So love or strong lust, I need him in my life to make my heart whole.

I don’t know if he reads my blogs or not and that’s how I want to keep it. If he doesn’t read them fine. If he does great he knows how I feel. As long as I don’t know I can write freely which is exactly why I started a blog.

So Cal love,

California Girl ❤

Recovery…

So my recovery from the break up has not been easy.

I held in the tears until after I was in the safety of my own room on Friday. They were FLOWING! I fell asleep crying and woke up every two hours just crying my eyes out. Finally falling into a deep enough sleep at 4AM and slept for 6 hours. I then had to literally FORCE myself out of bed Saturday morning. I went for a drive to clear my head. I was gone for a good 3 hours. I ended up at Harveston Lake (where he asked me to be his girlfriend). That was a huge mistake! Couples EVERYWHERE!

Sunday was a little easier but I was still on the couch all day randomly bursting into tears.

And today I was using every part of my being to not breakdown at work.

No one warned me 19 and dating would be this hard! It is still hard to talk about it so this is pretty short and sweet.

So Cal Love,

California Girl ❤

And then came April 23, 2010

He broke up with me.

5 DAYS! That was it!

His reason? “Our schedules just completely conflict.”

Which is true. He works from 3AM-1PM and I work and 9-5 job so by the time I got home, ate dinner and changed we had only an hour or so to hang out. But what kind of reason is that and we always had weekends! He didn’t even give it a try!

I was absolutely HEART-BROKEN!

So Cal love,

California Girl ❤

him!

Have you ever felt that you found your soul-mate? I did.

Ok so not soul-mate but I definitely saw myself spending a while with him.

Back in February I met a boy. Not just any boy. An amazing, sweet, caring boy who I didn’t instantly fall for but getting to know him definitely sucked me in. Since I probably shouldn’t name him we’ll just call him B. We had met at the mall when my sister invited his best friend (who she has been on a date with) to meet us. Then we didn’t hear from them for a while and all of a sudden I had a message from him on Facebook! It was just the friendly hey, how are you we should hang out type of conversation ending in him giving me his number because it would be easier to talk that way. I finally convinced myself that its ok to take chances and to talk to him. We had probably talked non-stop for 2 weeks and during that time he had asked to hang out. Other than the few times we hung out in a group, I always gave an excuse why I couldn’t because I could not let myself get close to another guy after what the last two losers did to me.

One night I was just driving trying to clear my head and he said “if you have nowhere to go you can come over and watch a movie.” Gulp. ok you can do this. Grow a pair. Just go over there. “that sounds cool”. I got to his house, gave the normal hello hug, picked a movie and headed to his room and well…

JUST KIDDING! We actually watched the movie. After it was over he offered to watch another one. I said “well I don’t want to keep you up and have you be tired for work.” He told me “don’t worry about it.  I’ll be fine”. “I will worry about it” I said. “no.” He argued. “yes.” no.” “yes.” “no.” and then BAM! our first kiss! It was short, cute, and sweet. AHHHH that was it! I was hooked!

After that we hung out all the time and pretty much acted like a couple but we weren’t official.

Until April 18th, 2010. That was the day he finally asked me to be his.

It was like the clouds opened the angels sung and everything was ok!

One of the best days ever!

So Cal love,

California Girl