What Would The World Be Without Girlfriends?

We all have girlfriends. The ones that have your back no matter what. The ones that understand what you’re going through. The ones that can finish your sentences. Yeah, I have a few too and honestly I have no idea where I would be without them.

One of my best girlfriends is Kaitlin. I call her my sister because we are so close we might as well be sisters. Everyone that knows me, knows her and vise versa. We are pretty much a package deal. 2 for 1 and everyone knows that if you invite one, you invite both. If one of us doesn’t show up to an event where our friends are there the other is always asked “Where is your sister?.”

We even go through the same problems almost always at the same time. Talk about cycles being crossed! ūüėõ Like the past month with my break up…she had just found this incredible guy, who she thought was someone she could spend a long time with if not the rest of her life. What does the douche bag do? Yep! Exactly the same thing the B did to me. Dropped her like she was made of plush. NEWS FLASH BOYS! Girls are not made of plush fuzzy goodness. We’re made of glass! At least in our teen years. Dudes! I mean seriously? How do you just stop talking to someone? I don’t think I have ever picked up my phone, saw who the text was from and thought to myself “hmm, I don’t really like them anymore so I’m just not going to text back” or “I’m scared to get close to him because he might be like the last guy and break my heart, so I will just not text back.” It just doesn’t work like that!

Sorry, went off on a tangent there. I guess there’s still some hard feelings. =]

Anyways, girlfriends always know just what to do to make you feel better.

I would do anything in the world for mine. I’ll be there for them through thick n thin, douche bags n lovers, plushy goodness n glass. No matter the case and I know they will be there for me.

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your girlfriends like family.

So Cal Love,

California Girl ‚̧

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Telling is easy. Listening is hard.

Why is it that when your down in the dumps the words “it will get better” don’t seem to make sense, but they are the first words out of your mouth when a friend is hurt?

“You will find someone better.”

“This just means you were not meant to be.”

These are the words I was told over and over for the past week to make me feel better. When you are stuck on someone these are the last sentences you want to hear. Yet, these are the exact words that I am telling my best friend.  We say them because we know they are true. There are others out there.

Why am I not slapping myself in the face right now! I’m telling this to you and her and I’m living my life wishing I was with the guy I just lost. What a gigantic hypocrite. It’s hard to move on but easy to tell people to move on. I do know that there are other guys out there but until I find them I will be living my life as a hypocrite.

Honestly, what other words are there to tell someone who has lost someone they cared so much about? I would do anything to see her happy but since I can’t take a guy and make him love her this is about all I can do. She did this for me and I do this for her.

When your friend is down tell them it will be alright and remember to listen to your friends when they tell you the same thing. There are other fish in the sea.

So Cal love,

California Girl ‚̧

My heart

So it is kind of hard to describe a 19-year-old girls heart. A normal 19-year-old girl that is. My heart is DEFINITELY NOT normal.

My heart is in pieces.

  • I left a piece with my mom back when I was five and moved in with my grandparents.
  • Another piece with my grandparents when I moved in with my dad.
  • One piece went to Kansas when my family left California.
  • and I stupidly gave another piece to HIM (or as we are calling him “B”).

It feels like I have 4 holes in my chest. I am hanging onto the only piece left and I feel if I trust anyone enough to let them have it they’ll take it as far away from me as possible and leave me standing lifeless. As you have read previously I just went through one of the HARDEST break ups of my life with, as I mentioned above, B. So I really can’t give it away. Besides, I’m entitled to have a piece of my own heart. Right?

Today as I am sitting at my desk staring off to space I realize I can’t live without him. I need him in my life somehow.

If you take all the parts, mine, my mother’s, my grandparents’, and my family’s, that still leaves one part missing. HIS. Without him I am not whole.¬†Why his part? He’s just a boy. Well I’ve dated a few boys since my parents left but I didn’t really put my heart into those relationships as I had with this last one. I didn’t have the feelings for them that I had for B.

This still doesn’t answer your question ‘why HIS part’. Again, take the other parts….

  • My mother’s: She’s my mom. She won’t walk off with it and leave me without it.
  • My grandparents’: Same thing their family and will always be in my life.
  • My family’s: Also, Family. Not going anywhere.
  • His: He is not connected to me at all besides our 5 day relationship/friendship. He could come and go as he pleases with it and when he does go he leaves me standing with a piece missing.

My family’s parts are mine just letting them borrow them. They fill me when I’m with them and only leave me empty in their absence. B’s part is his and he can either nurture it or crush it. So I really CAN’T live without him.

Also, today I think I realized that I might possibly love him. I know I know. YOU’RE 19 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LOVE. PSH YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! So I might or might not, but I know how I felt the day he broke it off. Laying in my bed, broken, incomplete, while life was going on around me. It’s definitely stronger than and “like/lust” I’ve been in before. I texted him today (for the first time since I gave him his jacket back) with intentions to keep him as a friend. My plan? Didn’t go as planned. started off friendly and turned to everything he said made my heart melt!

So love or strong lust, I need him in my life to make my heart whole.

I don’t know if he reads my blogs or not and that’s how I want to keep it. If he doesn’t read them fine. If he does great he knows how I feel. As long as I don’t know I can write freely which is exactly why I started a blog.

So Cal love,

California Girl ‚̧

Recovery…

So my recovery from the break up has not been easy.

I held in the tears until after I was in the safety of my own room on Friday. They were FLOWING! I fell asleep crying and woke up every two hours just crying my eyes out. Finally falling into a deep enough sleep at 4AM and slept for 6 hours. I then had to literally FORCE myself out of bed Saturday morning. I went for a drive to clear my head. I was gone for a good 3 hours. I ended up at Harveston Lake (where he asked me to be his girlfriend). That was a huge mistake! Couples EVERYWHERE!

Sunday was a little easier but I was still on the couch all day randomly bursting into tears.

And today I was using every part of my being to not breakdown at work.

No one warned me 19 and dating would be this hard! It is still hard to talk about it so this is pretty short and sweet.

So Cal Love,

California Girl ‚̧

And then came April 23, 2010

He broke up with me.

5 DAYS! That was it!

His reason? “Our schedules just completely conflict.”

Which is true. He works from 3AM-1PM and I work and 9-5 job so by the time I got home, ate dinner and changed we had only an hour or so to hang out. But what kind of reason is that and we always had weekends! He didn’t even give it a try!

I was absolutely HEART-BROKEN!

So Cal love,

California Girl ‚̧

him!

Have you ever felt that you found your soul-mate? I did.

Ok so not soul-mate but I definitely saw myself spending a while with him.

Back in February I met a boy. Not just any boy. An amazing, sweet, caring boy who I didn’t instantly fall for but getting to know him definitely sucked me in. Since I probably shouldn’t name him we’ll just call him B. We had met at the mall when my sister invited his best friend (who she has been on a date with) to meet us. Then we didn’t hear from them for a while and all of a sudden I had a message from him on Facebook! It was just the friendly hey, how are you we should hang out type of conversation ending in him giving me his number because it would be easier to talk that way. I finally convinced myself that its ok to take chances and to talk to him. We had probably talked non-stop for 2 weeks and during that time he had asked to hang out. Other than the few times we hung out in a group, I always gave an excuse why I couldn’t because I could not let myself get close to another guy after what the last two losers did to me.

One night I was just driving trying to clear my head and he said “if you have nowhere to go you can come over and watch a movie.” Gulp. ok you can do this. Grow a pair. Just go over there. “that sounds cool”. I got to his house, gave the normal hello hug, picked a movie and headed to his room and well…

JUST KIDDING! We actually watched the movie. After it was over he offered to watch another one. I said “well I don’t want to keep you up and have you be tired for work.” He told me “don’t worry about it. ¬†I’ll be fine”. “I will worry about it” I said. “no.” He argued. “yes.” no.” “yes.” “no.” and then BAM! our first kiss! It was short, cute, and sweet. AHHHH that was it! I was hooked!

After that we hung out all the time and pretty much acted like a couple but we weren’t official.

Until April 18th, 2010. That was the day he finally asked me to be his.

It was like the clouds opened the angels sung and everything was ok!

One of the best days ever!

So Cal love,

California Girl

let's back-pedal

So I wanted to start with telling all of you why I am doing this.

May 2009: I got the talk from my dad. No not the ‘bird and the bees’ talk, but the talk that my family would be relocating to good ‘ol frog hunting, fire-fly catching, 800 people towns Kansas. KANSAS! Why Kansas. I mean come on! No offence to the people who live there, but coming from California, Kansas is B-O-R-I-N-G. As soon as the words “We’re moving to Kansas” came out of his mouth the tears started flowing. The next thing he told me was that I had the option to stay since I was 18 and they couldn’t force me to go. Well I thought about it and thought about it and in the end decided to stay. I knew that it wouldn’t be easy and that I would miss my family but what 18 year old wouldn’t want to live on her own in CA? The only thing bad about staying?Seeing my dads face when I told him I would be staying here. Absolutely heart breaking!

June 2009:¬† By now I had moved into my friends parents house who had so graciously let me stay with them until I found a place and got on my feet.¬†Then IT was here. The moving truck. Packed and Ready. WORST day of my life. Cue the water works. I don’t think there was a dry eye on the cul-de-sac! Saying goodbye has always been hard for me no matter what kind of goodbye but saying goodbye to my baby brother Zach,¬†my little buddy (my whole family for that matter),¬†had to be one of the worst things I have ever had to do. Then they took off leaving my dad (who would follow in a week or two) and myself standing in the driveway of our once filled house. Tears still going.

July-October 2009: FREEDOM! Parties every night! Meeting new boys! and of course bills for the first time in my life. I had the absolute time of my life (and still am) but everytime I called to see how my family was Zach just could not talk to me which tore me apart.

October 2009 -Now: I moved in with neighbors from the cul-de-sac who had moved into the Harveston community in my hometown where we still reside. They are the closest thing I have to family out here! I love them like family and totally appreciate everything they have done for me in my hard time. My mom and grandma still live in Southern California but they live a few towns away and my job is in Temecula so I needed to stay close.

So that is my story up until now! In my posts to come I’ll back track a little more so we are all caught up.

So Cal love,

California Girl ‚̧